Holy Doom Eagles of the Final Bacon Apocalypse
by Uskius
Summary: It is another day for Red, one of normalcy. But then strange beings arrive on the island, and ancient secrets and prophecies are revealed! This is inspired by the Angry Birds movie coming out in 2016, which is so good! This is the first fan fiction story for the movie.


It was a day with many peacefulnesses on the island, and Red hated it. He was with the practicing of his many martial arts in the misty solitudes of his mountain perch, splitting the air with his mighty kiai and strikings.

His sweat began to drip from his feathers, and he paused for a moment, giving himself shakings to dry off. "ReD! RED, you must help!" It was Chuck, flying up the mountain with franticness.

"What the Chuck? How didst thou find me here, thou yellow bastard?!"

"How didn't you know, this day was foretold many years ago by the great prophet Woody the Woodpecker!" Chuck opined. "You must-"

"I make my own destiny!" Red roared with great roarings, posing as he unfurled his rippling ab muscles.

"This is greater than thee, Red The Future of The island is at stake! Surely you don't want my home destroyed!"

"No, Red said Stonefaced. "But I want the pure and unlimited power of anger.

"Then come! You might find it." Chuck asked like a whiny four year old who had forcings of eating gross things like creamed asparagus with fresh-ground black pepper or urinal cakes deep fried in peanut butter batter.

"Fine. Only this once, for the bond of manly bird love we once shared," Red stated with distance lookings. Chuck ruffled Red's tail feathers as they flew off down the mountain, seeking the thongs of anger and justice.

C===========~}O

Red landed on the scene with action movie angles, finding the chaoses and confusion of violence upon the village. It gave him a hate-on. "They're still their, it looketh like, in the nursery!" Chuck pontificated.

"I sense them," Red said with growlings, "They have strong power in the Air Currents."

"I can even feel them!" Chuck said with few hopes. 'They must be at least falcon class in strength!" Red nodded with noddings of affirmations, and strolled through the chaoses.

As they neared the baby birds nursery, they saw it had been made into a fortress!. The ebon spires of charred bone and flesh glistened with the tears of the ancients, the walls of beef jerky unshakeable and the pigly flag of pig butt crack hair waving in the wind like a snake before a charmer.

"I'll handle this," Chuck said with the confidence of a man of great drunkennesses. "Talon Path number Four: Stern Gale!" Extending his Wing, a blast of great windiness blew forth from his palm, crashing open the dauntless gates of the nursery. Young birds and their mothers streamed out like pus from a wound, and Chuck posed heroically unnoticed.

"Good start," Red said without looking away. "I hath a sense our opponent is inneth the upper floor, so I shalt strike there!" Red took up an action stance of posing, flexing his puissant muscles. "Talon Path number Fiftey-One: Steel Wing!" Springing forth with great speed like from a slingshot, Red crashed with great impactings into the fortresses' walls, homie. It broke off the top part like a Kit-Kat(™) and sent it crashing to the ground.

The smell of bacon filled the air. "Confounded be this shizzle!" Cried a sonorous voice like a fart. From amidst the wreckages crawled a strange beast as neither Red nor Chuck had seen before emerged, towing behind a trussed up Bomb and an egg!

"Where you think you're going you dumbass piece of splatter-poo?!" Red commented to the strange beast.

"This has been foretold! It must be true!" The beast wailed.

"I prophesy I'mma beat yo ass up if you don't tell me what you're doing!" Chuck said with a neckbeard's fury.

"I am but a servant of the Bacon Lords, and this is their will!" The beast said. "I be simply a pigly servant of there great might, sent to retrieve The Cosmic Moon Princess and The Egg of Redemptionings!" Bomb wiggled with great suggesting at these words, but was smote by the pig abductor.

"I won't let you taketh what little of friendship I have from this accursed isle of drudgerynesses!" Red lamented like a fallen emperor. Bomb swooned beneath they're bindings as Red crashed forth against the pig, engaging in fierce combat of the hand to hand variety. The pig had a style of such unforseen might Red was astonished at first but let the Air Currents guide his tactile blows. They're martial arts locked as of puzzlings, but Red grew more confident, unleashing the full might of his style with a small opening seen. "Talon Path number Fiftey-Eight: Sky Drop!" The pig was snatched by Red and lifted high into the airs, briefly looking down upon this mortal coils as from a distant star.

"You don't know what you're doing!" The pig said. "You musteth release me!"

"I can't! I was cursed with this power to bring destruction!" Red intoned with piping ups.

"You will be redeemed by the Bacon Lords if you let me go, I sweareth it upon my life!"

"That won't mean much in two seconds!" Roaring like space shuttles fires, Red and the pig finished descending from the atmospheres with a great sonic boom, the landing replaying from three angles as a crater and mushroom cloud appeared over the nursery. Red looked down at the pig, its head an unrecognizable mess of ichor that smelt of bacon grease, playa.

Chuck emerged from the wreckage, carrying the egg. "Red, I've-" But before he could call out, a pig on a sonic ion booster pack flew by, snatching up the egg and Bomb! Red sensed their departured in the Air Currants, and wept a single tear of potato chip juice as he looked after them…

C=============~}O

Red gazed upon the horizon with vengeances, his heart swelling and breaking like the ocean before him.

"It's been long enough," Chuck proffered with a pat on the butt, sidling up to Red. "The sun wanes like a closing flower, my friend."

"NO! IT SHALL NEVER BE ENOUGH! I WILL TAKE MY VENGEANCE OUT UPON THEM UNTIL THE WORLD DROWNS IN BACON GREASE!" Red vowed quietly. Tears of rage like nectar of the heart's flower rolled down his cheeks, dripping into the sand like nectar of the heart's flower that were spilled onto the sand.

His tears glistening like starlight in the fading light of the star called the sun, Red wept mightily. But Chuck peered towards the horizon as he luxuriously ruffled Red's tail feathers, and noticed a speck that appeared and swiftly moved towards them!

A wailing siren like a One Direction Stan lamenting Zayn leaving drew near. It became stronger, with a tornado or waterfalls' crashings and the shape had more distinctnesses, until Red and Chuck could make it out: A vast ship, with gears and wings and sails and a pigly snout. "I wasn't even over a car windshield," Chuck said to himself, looking down at his mess.

"Taketh heart and courage, biotch! I shall rain down upon it with furries vengeance!" Red said with confidences. The ship grew near with un-parachuted skydivingness, and Red cocked his fist with smirkings. "Time for a dry-docking," Red quipped with smugness. With a frumious shout Red drove his fist into the snout of the boat, causing it to flip over him, darkening the sky like a great cloud of bacon, yo.

But the ship flipped over, and flew down the beach before circling back! "Chuck! Get thee with haste to the nursery!" Red said as he flew towards the ship. As he flew towards the ship, many exploding pigs tied to rockets were launched at him!

"Praise the Bacon!" One shouted just before it explodiated on contact with Red's calloused fist. After many punching through the exploding pig soldiers, Red flew towards the ship, and landed on its rail. "Get ready to walk the plank," Red said with mockings, "And by plank, I mean fist, because I'm going to punch you really hard, ya know?"

"We'll not be stopped by you," Said a pig soldier. "We must fulfill the prophecy, and destroy this land to make way for the era of Bacontopia!"

"Oh yeah, well I prophesy you're going to walk the plank if You don't return Bomb and the egg, and by walk the plank I mean I'mma kick yo asses and punch you really hard!" The pig soldier snarled and burst forwards using ionic fart propulsion, his most secret art. Red swatted him aside like a common fly, and then the race was on. The pig soldiers attacked Red one by one in an orderly fashion, Red's punches growing ever more and more furious, time blurring until it seemed all the pigs had blended forth into one. And they had!

"Thou cans't not stand against the Bacon Fusion technique for long, little bird!" Red began to have seriouses then as the pigs blows rocked the boat with great fury. Their blows sounded like the great thunders of a war drum, swirling up great waves and storm clouds about the boat. When the duel seemed of a stand still, Red decided to take it to the next level.

"Talon Path number Fortey: Aerial Ace!" The attack was of diamond perfections, swiftly carrying Red through the heart of the fused pig soldier. He exited like a reverse meteor of blood and bacon grease, landing fashionably on the prow of the ship as the titan collapsed.

But the ship began to fall from the sky! "Oh no! What if Bomb and the Egg are inside?!" Wondered Red to himself. He ran inside the belly of the pig airship as fast as he could, searching through each labyrinthine corridor and room. Then he happened upon a finding of even greater shockings!

"Red, my son: is that you?" It was only of course Red's father! Red ran over, seeing the many future-looking machines his father was attached to for lifings, and how his old bird was frail with age.

"Father? When didst the pigs capture thee?"

"Son, the truth is this: I gave myself to them! They were the only ones who would heed my prophecies, indeed, they had some ears to hear, my nizzle. But now they have kept me as a showpiece, and my visions grow dark as a Directioner's heart."

"My father, what can I do for you?!" Red lamented, ripping his shirt in two and revealing his supple ab muscles.

"Nothing, my son. Only know that the Cosmic Moon Princess and her Egg must be kept safe to save the world." Red knelt down on his father's breast, weeping bitterly with the tears of shattered destiny. "Go forth my son, and be awesome. Should any save the world, thine own self it shall be." Red's father raised up his hand and rested it on Red's brow. "Bless thee my son, and may Barack Obama the Lord of All Black Folk shine upon you." Red's father's hand slipped off, and the machines began to beep- not only his father's but the ones of the ship!

Red punched through the window and leapt away with great leapingnesses as the pig airship crashed into the ocean with many explodiations. With large efforts Red continued flying away, letting his knowledge of the Air Currents guide on ever onwards and upwards.

C===================~}O

The Air Currants had guided Red far away, to where the air was thick and smelled of bacon grease. It was then that Red had perceivingnesses of where he was arriving at: the place of the pigs!

As a shape approached from the horizon, so did too nuclear rockets! Red flew around them and punched them pig-shaped rockets apart with extreme prejudice, not realizing until he almost hit it that he was at the pig place! The travel montage music of Ride with the Sun by Fairyland stopped and was replaced with musics of intense action.

Many pig soldiers tried to shoot him, but Red loosed his Air Pressure, smothering them flat against the floor. "WHO DARETH ASSAIL THE ALMIGHTY FLYING SKY FORTRESS OF THE BACON LORDS?!" A very large and loud pig whispered with vengeances.

"Hello, it's me. My name I'm Gonna Whip Yo Azz, Son!" Red began to do battle with the large pig, who had great nimbleness.

"Allow me to introduce myself!" The large pig shouted. "My name is Crispin Waugh, and my moves are fresh as fuck! Bacon Art number Fiftey-Nine: Incinerate!" A large and pigly gout of flame erupted from Crispin's mouth, the squealing flames torching Red's ever-heroic feathers.

"It's time to dig deep!" Red said to himself with combacknesses. He steadied hisself in the Air Currents, and proclaimed valiantly, "Talon Path number Two: Razor Wind!" Biting and cutting blades of windiness swirled out from Red, sweeping the flames of Crispin's Bacon Art away and blowing him back.

"I seest that thou art skilled!" Crispin praised. "But I am the Ultimate Bacon Lord, and nothing is beyond me!" Crispin's being blowed backness stopped, and he hovered in the air with dark triumphs. "Talon Path Secret Art: Aeroblast!" A stern vortex of windy air swirlings swept forth voluminously from Crispin! This was a legendary technique Red was sure only birds knew. He readied his swiftest attack, crouching down for take off. "Talon Path Next-Level Art: Brave Bird!" Red swooped in with the speed of a speeding bird of great speed, flying up through the center of Crispin's Aeroblast!

"Where are the Cosmic Moon Princess and the Egg?!" Red questioned of great furies.

"They art in the tallest room of the tallest tower of the citadel, but surely I shall not tell thee that!" Crispin stopped his Aeroblast, and began preparing his strongest. "It's been real son, but I end it here: Lunatic God of Bacon Technique!" Crispin's fist began shining with bacon-colored flames that radiated a sizzling power.

Red knew he could have toughnesses or even be defeated by this strange technique, and he also began to prepare his strongest. "Talon Path number Fortey-Three: Sky Attack!" Red began to shine with a harsh light, even as the flames of Crispin's attack began to squeal with the power of bacon incarnate. Finally they were both ready, and flew forwards to meet with the joustings of two galaxies locked in the embrace of agony. The flames of bacon incarnate surrounding him, Red kept flying forwards, until his Sky Attack went through Crispin's head above the eyebrows, loosing a volcano of bacon grease and chitlins.

There was silence on the mighty sky fortress of the Bacon Lords, but still Red could feel the Air Currents calling out to him. He could see the tall tower, and lifted off and flew to the tallest room of it. He punched in the window with action heronesses, and found Bomb and the Egg on the bed!

"Red!" Red ripped off Bomb's bindings with great manliness, his steely arm muscles flexing with might.

"Come, we must hurry before the ship self-destructs!" Red swept Bomb and the egg up in his arms, and flew away with speedy haste of zoomings. When the great sky fortress was almost lost on the horizon behind them, it imploded to a nexus of bacon grease and flame, and then exponentially explodiated into a sky-shaking roar of explosionnesses that smelt of bacon, homedog.

As the sun dipped below the horizon and the moon crept into the sky like it was trying not to get caught violating a restraining order, Red landed with Bomb and the Egg on his solitary mountain perch. "Red, I must tell you what I have not told any other bird," Bomb said.

"Whatcha mean, Bomb?"

"I am the Cosmic Moon Princess!" Bomb's essence now strong enough, it had connecting with the moonlight, shimmering out until it had bursting of silvery moon-rainbow sparkles that fell on the mountain perch like the blessings of a binturong's anus.

"How can this be?" Red question with wonders.

"I was bound in my previous form for safety," Bomb said. "When my true essence of the Cosmic Moon Princess yearned to be free, it ground against my binding, causing a wrath of fieryness." Red saw Bomb now, their true essence revealed as also being familiar to the old Bomb, they were as fair as the moonlight and twice as lovely. They embraced, with many kissings. They shared they're passion, surging with and against each other like the waves to the shore in the limpid pool of moonlight...

C================~}O

Red hopped off the float of the hero's parade, annihilating it with a beastly fart.

"Red, what you do?!" Questioned Chuck, eating a corndog.

"I'm not a hero, Chuck. I've got too much bacon grease on my hands to be called that."

"Then what is all this for?!" Wailed the people of the parade.

"I did it for the future," Red opined. "I did it for my father and all the young hawks and sparrows and cardinals out there; above all… I did it for the boobies." Red made out with Bomb, and walked away with very much bossness as music began to play; he punched the jukebox to be quiet, and continued his exit.

"Chris Colfer's _balls_ , I wish I could be like him," Chuck said wistfully.

THE END

...or is it?!


End file.
